For the longest time, I've always been seen as the irresponsible one. I can't keep up with my shit, I can't remember to show up to mandatory performances, I always lose everything I own. For instance that camera and GoPro. sometimes have these I guess you would call "episodes". I'm not the time to get mad honestly over much but when I do I feel so remorseful afterward. I'm writing this because I'm feeling a lot of post-guilt right now but I still feel so fucking angry. I'm such a sinner. It's around 11 o'clock at night and I wanted to watch That 70s show while eating the leftovers my mom brought back home from her Motorcycle gang meeting from Jerry's Grill when all of a sudden, she's pacing from room to room trying to find her sparkly belt. She has work at 5 o'clock in the morning and if you don't know her, she's a pretty firm person. She doesn't slack, procrastinate, nor is irresponsible like how I turned out to be. She has beef with some of her coworkers at work but to be honest, it's because they are annoyed by how well organized/adamant my mother is about everything. But I'm sitting on this couch eating my barbeque when she won't stop talking. Okay maybe I don't get mad easily but I get irritated very easily. I absolutely hate it when I'm relaxed/relaxing and then out of nowhere people transfer their bad vibes to me so I'm just responding to everything like 'mhm. Ok. Don't you have work in the morning you should sleep? Goodnight" and random shit I said just so that she could stop thinking aloud about her problem. Well I borrowed that belt a few weeks back and so she went to me and said alarmingly "Titel, where did you put it? I only put it in three places, here, here,and here. This is is a small room." I keep reiterating that I returned it but she keeps putting the blame on me. And now she's pointing out the clothes that I left out of hers from my little "fashion show" that I had about 3 hours earlier. And now I'm fucking fired the fuck up. So now I'm searching everywhere for the damn belt and now I'm raising my voice because she still thinks it's my fault. I told her "Mom, I swear if you find it and it's someplace that you put it out, I'm going to..." and that's it I didn't want to finish that sentence because it was rude and ugly and I hate myself for yelling so much. She found the damn belt in her suitcase after coming back from her military camp a couple of days ago. She kept saying "Why's it there? Why's it there?". She was saying it as a "I don't remember putting that there" kind of tone. I can't tell you how much I got super pissed and yelled because I felt so angry at the fact that she always pulls stuff like this on me. You should never yell at your parents like how I did, or to anyone really. But what got me mad was I'm always labeled the irresponsible kid and it pisses me off because nowadays because I've been fulfilling my goals of being more diligent and less useless. And I'm doing whatever I can to lift up this sluggish image of mine. One thing that makes me angry at myself is, what I just did reminds me of how my sister yells. Bratty and obnoxious. And you know what? I think I have every right to be angry but I don't have every right to scream atrociously. Especially like my older sister. After finding she was at ease and could finally go to sleep but I got so angry I even told her that she needs to apologize. She did she said "I'm sorry" many times but I was still in Scream mode. My mom then said "Ok. I said I'm Sorry. Why do you have to scream?" I just feel like if something is ever lost I'm the person to blame? I just wanted her to admit the fact that it's not always going to be my fault for shit like this. When I say I didn't do it or I returned whatever I borrowed, I fucking did. I screamed because I wanted to release all the anger from all the times she blamed me for things that have been replaced. Anyways I should apologize to her for yelling. I haven't yelled like that for a long time but I don't know why I had to go at the top of my lungs for this belt. I feel like I should cover my family's anger issues/trust. That would be one long-ass post. While writing this the blue light on the blink living room security camera was on which indicated that someone was on surveillance. Suspected it was my mother and still pissed as I was I said "hi". And through the camera, she said "goodnight" many times until I'd say it back and so I did. But boy, do I love to shut doors so fast and throw every little thing that comes my way across the world when I'm angry. Without a doubt this unorganized post was typed out of anger guilt, and self-frustration. At the end, I realized my wrongdoings and felt like I needed to be punished. Instead I choose to have god guide me into being the best version of myself that I could possibly be. You're suppose to respect those you love, which I didn't this night however, I will do my best to be a better person and to take an appropriate approach to matters like these.
